Yesterday at Carnegie Mellon University, I read a couple of my essays to several students and teachers in a small room.
At first, my knees shook. I stammered. I stumbled over my own words, but I got through it.
The experience helped me realize that the visit was an anniversary, of sorts. I first discovered the essay form years ago in Personal Essay, a class taught by Hilary Masters in the spring fourteen years back.
In that class, at the end of a long college “career,” I finally discovered that I could write. I’d spent several years in and out of college as a Professional Writing and Creative Writing major, taking time off from school beginning in my sophomore year. I’d taken poetry and fiction classes, screenwriting, playwriting and radio drama classes, professional writing courses and all sorts of other classes in which writing was required. I’d filled notebooks full of stories, thoughts and reflections, trying to force something good out of my pen, but my stories never seemed to really click. They were OK, but they never seemed to me to hit the nail square on the head. It wasn’t until I took one of my last classes at Carnegie Mellon that I realized I could write.
I was lucky. I had stayed in and out college long enough to be taking classes when Hilary Masters again offered his essay course. He hadn’t offered it in several years, and I happened upon it in such a timely fashion that it now seems to me it was fate. I say this because not only was essay the perfect class for me, but Hilary Masters was the best person to teach the class. He is known for his fiction, but his essays and nonfiction are arguably some of his best stuff. His memoir, Last Stands: Notes from memory, is considered by many to be an American classic.
Though I never thought I was particularly good at writing fiction, I’d taken a couple of Hilary’s Fiction classes because I still wanted to try to learn how to write fiction, and also because I liked him. I’d originally thought he was something of a formalist, but as I got to know him I realized that he was a lot more open-minded and accessible than I’d thought, so I sought his help during his office hours.
Because I was in the habit of stopping in to see him if his office door was open, I stopped in one day when I still had about four or five classes to go to graduate. One of those classes had to be a Professional Writing class.
We chatted a bit and Hilary told me that he was going to be teaching his Personal Essay class again. The class actually was categorized under professional writing, he said.
What is personal essay, I asked him.
He handed me a small green, red and black paperback that had been sitting on his desk. It was Essays, by Michel de Montaigne. Hilary explained that Montaigne was the founder of the essay form. Montaigne, a sixteenth century French nobleman, retired to his tower and wrote essays exploring a topic (and sometimes getting off the topic), exercising his mind, and learning while writing. The title of Montaigne’s book, Essays, is from the word essai, which means “trials.” He invented the word essay as a literary term, meaning the writer using the form to make a trial of himself and his opinions. Each essay is an attempt to try to get at a greater truth, and he titled them On Liars, and On the art of conversation, and the like.
I took Montaigne’s book home and read it and signed up for the class soon after. In the class, I felt like a duck exploring water for the first time. I was swimming in words.
Yesterday I was tripping over my own words when I read my stories for the first time in front of an audience. I was invited by my former long-suffering academic advisor Jim Daniels to read The Other Side of The Pittsburgh Seam and Mass Media Hysteria in Tallmansville, which are a couple of first person essays I wrote about my time covering the Sago Mine disaster. Hilary gave me a really sweet introduction that was a bit embarrassing it was so nice. He talked about how as professors, one of their joys is seeing how a student has progressed. And he talked about how in 1992 he’d offered his essay class and I had taken it.
“And there was this pugnacious face, looking at me, waiting to catch me—Aha!—and tell me I was wrong,” he said, which was a revelation to me because the last thing I would’ve thought of at that time was to bust his chops. He continued, saying, “then I realized that he was thinking, he was trying to figure it out.”
This was all news to me. I’d thought of the class and still do think of it as a turning point in my writing life. In that class, (and not since) I first heard people cheer for a story of mine. It felt good. Yesterday, they politely applauded my halting, tongue-tied effort to read my stories. It felt good, but not like that first time. Back then the applause seemed so loud it was mind-blowing.
For a couple of weeks we’d been reading essays in our class, discussing how they “worked” and what worked about them.
“We’ve been reading essays and talking about them, but now it’s time for us to start writing them,” Hilary told our class. “What should the topic be for the first one?”
I looked around the room, waiting for one of my classmates to respond. When it seemed like the rest were too shy, I blurted out, “On violence!” and pounded my fist on the desk. I had been thinking a lot about violence at the time, and it was bothering me so much that I knew I wanted to write about it.
Hilary looked around the room, and said “On violence,” and asked the class, what do you think, any other ideas. Nobody spoke up. Then the essay is on violence, he said.
In our essay class, as with all of our writing classes, we used the workshop method. We would read our classmates' stories aloud in class, then we’d critique the stories. The workshop method can take up a lot of time, because you can only read and talk about so many stories per class. So after we all had written our essays, a few classes passed by before my piece was read, because several of my classmates’ stories were read before mine.
You'd determine who’d read your story by passing it to your left or right, and everybody would read the story he got. One of my classmates, John, who was an older student (as I was) and who’d been in the Navy as a decoder/translator prior to going to college, had his piece read in class before mine. In his story, he took a gratuitous shot at me, referring to me as “resplendent in his tie-dye shirt.”
I was a longhaired neo-hippie type at the time, and I liked to sit on the periphery of class. I was lucky to be sitting next to Tom, a fellow hippie type who was a good friend of one of my buddies and who understood me a bit. Tom read my essay for the class, with perfect inflection and feeling. An energy accumulated in the room, as he read:
On Violence
In our apocalyptic 1990s America, it sometimes seems as if we’re constantly pelted with violence—in our language, relationships, TV sitcoms, newspapers—so much so that we chug right along through the cacophony, ignorant of the imminent danger. The danger I’m referring to is the danger of all of the violence that we’ve created flying back in our faces. But after all, why worry about it? What’s the use?
Anyway, it’s hard not to admit that a little violence is a good thing. I mean, America is a big place, but not big enough for everyone. We should probably applaud our law enforcement officers for their efforts to thwart the growth of such anarchistic trends as homosexuality, drug use, and war protests.
After all, what are we gonna do, change the Statue of Liberty to say: “Give me your angry, your discontented, your alienated freaks yearning to breath free?”
Not a chance. That is, if I have anything to say about it.
The American continent is like a new type of beehive in which many breeds of drones work side by side, eyeing each other suspiciously. One false move, and mayhem breaks out.
“Yeah!” Hilary said, slapping his palm on the table. Tom didn’t miss a beat.
So really, maybe we should all give our local cop a pat on the back, a little encouragement for an endless job going well. What would we do without these fine men who beat the hell out of those that we wish didn’t exist? This country would probably revert to some primitive form of socialism.
“Every man’s condition is a solution in hieroglyphics to those questions that he would put.”
So wrote Emerson, the Great Humanist, and I feel that I must cling to this notion with every fiber of my being, since Emersonianism is one of the few religions of academia that I can grasp. And I know that the Great Geek must be right; otherwise, my English Pharisees (oops, I mean professors) wouldn’t slaver over his words so.
And so the questions that I would put are these:
1) How can I live my life comfortably in America without working,
and
2) How can I win girlfriends and influence women?
–But now you probably think I’m a hedonist.
So I’ll have to answer that charge with a quote from the Evil-pornographic peddler himself, Henry Miller:
“If I am against the condition of the world it’s not because I’m a moralist, but because I want to laugh more.”
“Yeah!” Hilary said again, slapping the table a bit harder.
And don’t we all want to laugh more? After all, life is a constant flow, and you never know, one day you might be a longhaired writing major in college, throwing around words like “resplendent” with the ease of hard-boiled eggs, and the next day you could be in the service, translating commie messages in a submarine in the middle of the sea.
I watched John’s face drop as my jab hit him.
So maybe we shouldn’t be afraid, maybe we should just live our lives with the mindlessness of children. After all, isn’t it obvious that our country is going broke? Might as well make like the politicians and take what we can get.
Now please don’t accuse me of sophistry, because I’m just trying to follow in the Great Skeptic’s, the Noble-leering-Montaigne’s footsteps. I’m just trying to give a reasonable view of a seemingly unsystematic scheme of things.
“Yeah!” Hilary exclaimed, slapping the desk even harder than before. My classmates broke into applause and cheers. A warm feeling washed over me, and I felt vaguely like I was floating. After all those years of questioning myself, I finally knew I was a writer. I’ve been one ever since.
Author's note:
Hilary Masters also has an acclaimed book of essays titled In Montaigne’s Tower, published in 2000. His book length personal essay Shadows on the Wall was published in May. The book follows the story of department store founder E. J. Kaufmann and his interactions with Mexican painter Juan O’Gorman.